Tag Archives: growth

On never being 37

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This is a bit of a personal post, so if that’s not your thing, then feel free to head back off to somewhere else. Of course, it’s actually a post about avoidance and how the big events of our lives sometimes impact us in strange ways unless we realise it.

I am actually 37. Despite the title of the post, I didn’t get to skip the year. Aliens did not kidnap me nor did I get frozen in time. I have been 37 for many months, but from the day I turned 37, I started saying I was nearly 38. Not nearly 40, or some other universal milestone event. 38.

Why?

When I realised I’ve been doing it, it was immediately obvious. My mother was 38 when my dad died. His death was, hands down, the most monumental and life-altering moment of my existence. The effects of it have reverberated across my family and through the years. At the heart of it, I couldn’t imagine being so young and losing the love of your life. Losing, in the process, your own, in a very real way.

Being 38 has become symbolic to me of something deeper. Something terrifying. Something I am drawn towards and yet don’t really want to arrive. Something that is now, after months of saying that I’m nearly at it, I actually am beginning to approach.

We inherit the things that go before us, whether we want them or not. We can let them define us, or we can acknowledge them and accept them, before walking our own path. I am trying to cling tight to the idea of the latter, even as the clock ticks down towards a time that has become something of a monster in the back of my mind.

Awesome writing resource: Diversity Cross Check

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I first heard about Diversity Cross Check on the Writing Excuses podcast (another amazing writing resource in itself).

So what is Diversity Cross Check? I’ll let them explain it for you….

Simple premise: You’re a writer interested in diversifying your characters, but you don’t share those experiences and you don’t want to offend anyone. A good resource is always those who understand firsthand what it’s like to live as such. So you visit the appropriate tag, find someone you’d like to work with, and contact them via whatever method they’ve provided.

How cool is that?

Often people lament about how little diversity there is in books. It seems an obvious thing to solve – write more diverse characters! Make them the protagonist! Avoid negative stereotypes!

It is easy, until you go to the next level down and start fleshing out said characters. Then you discover you have no idea what an Orthodox Jew would be doing at a certain point in their festive calendar – if you even know what that calendar is in the first place. Or the conflict a second generation immigrant from a specific nation in a certain city would be experiencing as they balance their new life against old world traditions and customs. Wikipedia can only go so far in answering these questions. It just provides more broad brush strokes for you to work with. The detail comes from those who live it.

The fear of accidental offence stops people from branching out from what they know. It’s limiting when it doesn’t need to be. Diversity Cross Check might be the best place to address an issue with a character you secretly want to write. Or it might ignite an interest in a minority waiting for someone brave enough to step forward and give them a main character voice.

Can you get worse at meditation?

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At the beginning of the year, one of my main goals for 2015 was to get to the point where I could meditate for 30 minutes. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, so I used the calm app for my phone so I could work my way through, starting with small chunks and building up.

Despite setting my expectations low, it’s been harder than I thought. I assumed that it would start off difficult but then I would have longer and longer periods of a calm and quiet mind. Instead, the voices are getting louder.

I’m not sure if this is a normal thing. There is a chance that I’m at that point which occurs with most things; the bit where it gets so bad you want to give up before the breakthrough. It could be that I’m actually getting worse at it. I might be the first person to ever end a year’s worth of meditation more stressed out than when I started.

I don’t want to give up on this though. Not just yet. I have a few more strategies I’m going to try:

1) changing the time of day. I’ve been doing it just before bed, but maybe that’s not right for me. Instead, I’m going to try to move it to part of my 6am morning routine, before I have the chaos of the day built up inside of me.

2) change the frequency. I set myself a goal of doing it three times a week, because that seems doable. It means it doesn’t form a habit though, so the inertia sets in between each session. While it might seem crazy to say I’m going to do it more when I’m already struggling to do it less, I can see the benefit of making it part of my daily routine.

3) reduce the time back down again. I’ve been trying to do ten minute blocks, because that seemed reasonable. It could be that sitting for ten minutes right now is more than my brain can handle, so it allows itself to turn into a free-for-all. Going down to five minutes (or perhaps even three), until I can see some progress might be enough for now. I can build up again when I’m ready.

So that’s the plan. If anyone has any helpful hints, or has been through this and come out the other side, then please let me know!

Helloooo March!

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According to most people and popular media (so it must be true, right?) the most depressing day of the year is Blue Monday – the third Monday in January. Not for me. January isn’t a depressing month at all as far as I’m concerned – it’s February that’s the kicker. And today means it’s behind me for another year.

I’m a compulsive goal setter and personal development freak. Given the holiday downtime and resolution nature of the New Year, I’m generally fired up for January. I have plans. Ambitions. A reason to keep going even though my body is sluggish from too much Christmas food. And because I don’t make resolutions on the fly on 1st January, I have the power to keep going through Blue Monday.

Now, February is unique. It is the only month with 28 days and for me, each of those days feels like 2 regular month days. February drags. It’s a combination of factors.

Give me my sun

Living in England most of the time means that by February the dark nights are getting tiresome. The days are grey and dull. I’m starting to dream of sunshine but aware that lying out in the heat is still a long, long time away.

Goals and habits hit the tough spot

Even if you’re lucky enough to have stayed on track all the way through January, you’re probably about to hit the hard bit. It used to be that people believed it took 21 days to create a habit, but more recent research indicates it is closer to 66. That’s an average. For some habits it will be much, much longer. This is divided into three sections. The first third, when it is painful and horrible but you still have the motivational x-factor. The second third, where it’s still painful but you’re not seeing the benefits yet. The final third, where it stops being painful and some benefits also start to trickle through. February tends to embrace that middle third with open arms and strokes you with misery.

Collaborative projects start to wobble

These can be passion-driven projects or work related projects. When everyone comes back after the holidays in January, they’re refreshed. Projects seem doable. The plan is put in place. Of course, no project ever goes one hundred per cent according to plan, so February is when people start to become out of sync. They work at difference focus levels, and emotional commitment to the project starts to waver. By the time these have been worked through, there is no avoiding the negative impact on the other areas of life.

So, now I get to welcome March with open arms. In four weeks the clocks change and the extra sunlight will make it easier to escape the soft warm clutches of the duvet. Today, I have set a few hours aside to review my goals and plans as set out at the beginning of the year and allow myself to course correct.

I sit down with my fieldnotes book and journal for a little while, trying to get to the root of what I’m feeling and any obstacles I’m putting in the way of myself subconsciously. By using the bullet journal approach, it becomes clear which tasks I’ve been deferring just a little too frequently.

Just doing that can be scary, but it will allow me to draw a line under the past four weeks and move on once more with a new sense of purpose. The new habits are either engrained or are about to hit the payoff stage. If I’ve not really kept up with them, I can ask myself why and see if they are still aligned with the bigger picture I have for the year.

Remember: March = momentum, if you let it.

Fortune Cookie

Writing and labels

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Yesterday, I was reading this article by Aminatta Forna entitled ‘don’t judge a book by its author’ and I found it absolutely captivating. It got me thinking about something which has been brewing at the back of my mind for a long time. It’s all caught up in that messy understanding of what I write.

When I get the opportunity to meet and mingle with other writers, the question often pops up. What do you write? I always hesitate and the word seems to get stuck at the back of my throat because it’s so obvious, surely: stories. The confusion and uncertainty comes from knowing the question that is really being asked is ‘which genre do you write?’

Which section of which bookshelf would you like to sit on?

But my honest answer is always in that one word. I generally waffle a bit about writing anything and everything, passing myself off as a Jack of all trades. Yet very few authors actually make it down that route. We all know that Neil Gaiman is the notable exception, even forgiven for that mild transgression regarding Duran Duran. All others must not pass without first declaring their pigeonhole.

I’ve never written science fiction. I don’t care enough about getting the science part right to make it an enjoyable experience for me or anyone else who might then get to read it. Fantasy, with much more leeway to veer around, I’ve tried. Horror. Romance. Short stories. YA. So called general fiction. I find a story rattling around in my brain and I write it down. It never crosses my mind to think in terms of genre first. A character whispers in my ear that they have something interesting to tell me and if they happen to be a teenager, a seventeenth century serving wench or a werehamster* then so be it.

I’m not a single characteristic. I’m a messy, complex human being. Likewise, I can’t see myself ever getting joy from being trapped in a single genre. But there is one thing I’m starting to realise:

I really don’t mind.

You can keep your labels to yourself.

 

*Never actually written a thing with a werehamster

A lot can happen in a year…

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Apologies for the lack of posting, but I’m having part of downstairs remodelled into a kitchen/diner, and attempting to live and work on only one floor has so far proved to be more challenging than I had anticipated.

Today is the first time I’ve had to just sit, take a breath and look around. I realised then that this time last year I was equally as surrounded by boxes, about to pack a few final things and head off to New Zealand for six months. It was a good way to remind myself that no matter how manic things feel right now, they are nothing compared to how things were back then.

A lot has changed. I’ve had the chance to travel a lot more and it’s been a year since I’ve worked for my old company. I still find myself in old work mode, especially now I’m driving up and down motorways so much and stopping at services. I look at the posters and the screens and can see touches of things I was once involved in that have carried on without me. I’m a sucker for nostalgia.

But anyway, before I drift off down memory lane, I thought I’d share the one insight I’ve had whilst trying to continue my writing and 2015 health resolutions and all that other good stuff that seemed so shiny on January 1st: Be Kind To Yourself.

You can have a plan, you can have a plan B for that matter, but sometimes it will still be an absolute nightmare to keep going when life throws you a curveball. Or in this instance, the lack of a kettle. No kettle equals no coffee at 6am and quite frankly, that is never a good way for me to start my day. It’s not that great for anyone around me either. Having intermittent access to water means I’m not drinking my 8 pints a day. And eating meals that come from either restaurants or the microwave is already starting to show in all the wrong places. I look at my weekly tasks and there is a significant lack of ticks in the boxes.

All of which means I can either try to continue with some things and do them badly, give up completely, or option number 3: acknowledge the difficulties, do the things I can and then make a solid plan to move more on them later. For most things, this is the option I’ve accepted.

Because I’m not ready to quit, but I’m not going to get down on myself for the things I can’t control either. At the end of January, I’ll get up, dust myself off (quite literally, as there is plaster dust in every ***ing room) and start again.

My Top 5 Podcasts of 2014

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They say you become an approximation of the five people you hang out with most. Given that I’m a writer who works from home three days a week, that would be two actual other people, followed by me, myself and I. Luckily, I listen to a lot of podcasts. Yet I know a lot of people don’t, so here’s a few reasons why you should.

Firstly, there is a whole heap of them out there, so you’ll be able to find something to suit your mood. Secondly, because there are so many, if you have a niche interest, with a bit of hunting around, you will find one about your odd subject of choice. If you don’t, you can always start one yourself. There’s even podcasts on how to make podcasts. See what I mean? Plethora of information. Finally, in order to get you to listen, people essentially give away a condensed version of their content for free. This is a great way to try before you buy, especially in the world of business, where conferences and books can cost a fortune. Go on. Give it a try.

So, without further ado, here they are (with twitter links to their creators/presenters):

Top podcast of 2014

The Pen Addict with Myke Hurley & Brad Dowdy

See what I mean about a niche interest? My long-held secret crush for pens and notebooks finally blossomed into true love due to these men. Which sounds much nicer than calling them the pen-pushing enablers they really are. The shows are always fun and informative, and for anyone who does a lot of longhand writing (or drawing), just knowing some of the best pens out there can make your life so much easier. They do the hard work so you don’t have to. Plus, they are a super nice pair of guys following their dreams, which I always admire (you can check out Brad’s Nock Co pen cases here. They are awesome – my Hightower goes everywhere with me).

Top Businesses Podcast

This is Your Life by Michael Hyatt

I’ve put this under business, but it is so much more than that. Michael’s tagline is that it is a podcast about intentional leadership, but I think it goes much deeper. It certainly deals with brand and platform, alongside how to be a better leader, but it is not actually all career specific. A lot of what Michael focuses on is the principles and ethics which lie beneath these decisions, and in a cut-throat world where a lot of people will do anything to get one foot further up the ladder, it is a refreshing reminder that honesty and integrity on the things that really matter. It is about achieving your goals and ambitions in the right way, not ‘at any cost’.

Top Writing Podcast

Writing Excuses with Brandon Sanderson, Dan Wells, Howard Taylor and Mary Robinette Kowal

In my humble opinion, anyone who is – or wants to be – a writer should be listening to this podcast. I’ve actually been listening to it for years, but during my little writing sabbatical at the beginning of the year I was able to go back and re-listen to many of them to get the really good stuff out. For a podcast which is only 15 minutes long, it is amazing that they manage to get so much useful information into an episode with four people talking. Each of them brings a different perspective to the topic, meaning that even if one person’s tips and tricks don’t work for you, there is a good chance that someone else’s will. Also great if you like reading in general, comics and occasional buffoonery.

Top Getting Up Podcast

5AM Miracle with Jeff Sanders

Now, you might not think that ‘Getting Up’ is a category, but let me assure you it is. It might never have been called that before, but early rising has been a hot topic in 2014. I’ve been getting up at 6am to write for years now. I’ve not made it to 5am yet, but I think 6 is a pretty reasonable compromise. It’s not easy, even when you’re getting up to do something you love. Jeff’s podcast is a good way of not only finding that motivation, but also tips and tricks to make it easier once you’ve dragged your sorry backside from under the duvet on a cold, dark Monday morning. Covering productivity and healthier living, this podcast has matured greatly over the past twelve months and it has been great to follow Jeff’s journey through this.

Best Health & Wellness Podcast

Jillian Michaels with Jillian Michaels and Janice Ungaro

Another misleading header, as although this podcast started out as health and fitness, it has now grown into having a nice catchup with friends talking about whatever the topic of the day is. And that is just fine with me. Janice gets a mention here because although she’s technically the producer, she has become the other half of this comedy act. The thing that I love the most about this is that Jillian talks with complete honesty – there is no hiding behind the PR company here. It’s like sitting round in a coffee shop with a bunch of friends that you know are slightly crazy but you love them anyway. The serious stuff gets slipped in there somewhere along the way without ever sounding too preachy.

So that’s my roundup. It’s been a good year for consuming audio material and seriously, if you haven’t tried podcasts before, then go find one. Free and easy, just like libraries. What do you have to lose?

Notebooks of 2014

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I have written a lot this year.

I reached that conclusion when I looked back over the notebooks I have completed over the past 12 months. Yes, all of these books are full (other than a few pages at the end sometimes). I clearly have a problem. One that I have zero intention of seeking treatment for.

2014 Notebooks

At about this time last year, I discovered the bullet journal system by Ryder Carroll. I’ve talked about implementing it before. I freely admit that I don’t use the system in its entirety, and I have changed the way I’ve used it over time, but the basics are fantastic. For anyone who wants to capture ideas in a notebook, then it is the best way to do it I’ve ever come across. Throw in my discovery of Field Notes and I’m one happy lady.

My plan for 2015? To keep going. One day I hope to look back on these and remember a life lived to the full. Isn’t that what we all want really? The places I’ve travelled, the people I’ve met. In those pages there are story ideas, snippets of conversations, journal entries and simple to do lists, all of which mark the passing of time and the movement of my own story. It may never mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me.

My Top 5 Books of 2014

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These are my top 5 books that I have read in 2014, not necessarily that were published in 2014. Sometimes I’m late to the game, but just because something isn’t brand new, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth mentioning. Every year I intend to read more than I actually do, but this is the first time since I was at University that I have taken advantage of the library on a regular basis. It’s the perfect way to try something you’re not sure about, which has led me to some complete gems over the past twelve months.

So, without further ado…

General Fiction

The Girl Who Saved The King of Sweden by Jonas Jonasson

The Girl

This book was immensely enjoyable, but hard to describe. Larger than life characters and even bigger plot, this book was so carefully crafted that the suspension of disbelief – even in the face of insurmountable odds – never wavered. I dare anyone not to root for the main character from beginning to end. From Soweto to Sweden, the comedy is punctured by some dark moments, but a reminder to never, ever underestimate someone because of who you believe they are.

Fantasy

Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson

final-empire-2

My sister is a huge fan of Brandon Sanderson and she’s been trying to get me to read his books for years. I finally got round to doing so earlier in the year, and I’m glad I did. I think Mistborn is a perfect entry point into his writing, and you can read my original review here. For any would-be writers of fantasy, it is also a great tool for understanding the importance of world-building and how to get the balance right between background and plot.

Self Help / Personal Development

The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor

 

I found this book by way of his Ted Talk, via the Productivity Book Group podcast. As a person not naturally given to positivity (I tend to think of myself as a hardened realist), I’ve been trying very seriously over this past year to work on my mindset as much as anything else. Insightful without being patronising, this book has delightful anecdotes, interesting research and some basic, simple tips to help people take the steps towards the benefits of being more mindful.

Biography

My Spiritual Journey by Dalai Lama

Spiritual Journey

This falls into the category of random library find. I gave a brief review of it earlier this year. It was humorous, insightful and gave a picture of the man I had heard of (who hasn’t?), but didn’t really understand. Spiritual without being preachy, there was no attempt to hard convert to Buddhism here, as there so often is with books containing religious figures. It was simply a fascinating window into the life of a man who has travelled a very different road to most of us.

Business

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

7 habits

In the interests of honesty, this was not the first time I had read this book. It was probably one of the first books I had read on business/personal development, probably a decade or so ago. Back then, I just didn’t get it. I found it too dense, too remote, too hard to plough through. The only thing I remember taking away was the concept of mission statements. I opened it again this year and it was a completely different experience. I was finally ready for it, I think. I’m a big fan of organisation and productivity – both personal and business – and I try to follow the principles of Getting Things Done by David Allen. Now that is engrained in my life (six years and counting), I think the maturity of my own process allowed me to understand the bigger picture approach that Covey prescribes. Proof that sometimes, you have to go back to something twice to get a true understanding of the content.

Now I’m starting to plan my reading for 2015 – if anyone has any contenders then feel free to pop them in the comments below. I’m always up for a challenge!

Boys Books or Girls Books – Who Cares?

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Having read yesterday about the young girl who asked a publisher to change a book because it was ‘for boys’, it made me think about my own Christmas shopping experience at the weekend. Specifically, Toys R Us *shudder*.

Now, I’m not going to find fault with them particularly, as they merely stock the toys that are made by various companies. But it was the first time I’d been in a toy shop in years, especially for such an extended period. The one thing that struck me was the amount of toys that were still ‘for girls’ – invariably in a garish pink – and others that were for boys (emphasis on farts and gore). I did, happily, see one science set with a cartoon girl on the front, but it should be noted, it was one in a very large number.

I get it, I really do. It sells. We live in a material world and that no longer just applies to Madonna. But it was somehow just really disheartening. I was looking at the really cool stuff and then getting a disappointing sense that it wasn’t for me. If I feel like that in my thirties, when quite frankly I don’t actually want to play Transformers*, then what message are we sending to young brains?

Luckily, my parents had the good sense to buy what I wanted and not force dolls and pink on me. Besides, I can remember it like it was yesterday. *ahem*

By the power of Grayskuuuuuuuull

By the power of Grayskuuuuuuuull

More importantly, they certainly didn’t make that mistake when it came to books. My sister, happily a my-little-pony-style-girly-girl who definitely went super pink when it came to toys, also got the gender neutral treatment when books were given. A good story is a good story. Books of facts and games are informative and fun, regardless of how you happened to be born. Books of adventure could be for us just as much as fluff and nurturing. And I get the distinct impression, looking back with my adult hindsight, that neither parent wanted us to grow up to be damsels in distress. They wanted us to be independent and successful; secure in ourselves.

So I guess I wanted to say a big well done to all those parents who are trying to bring up their kids to consider all the options because, sadly, you’re still fighting against the same tide my mom and dad were thirty years ago.

*This may or may not be the truth

My original 1980s Optimus Prime

My original 1980s Optimus Prime